


It's not so easy (loving me)

by electricbird



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 01:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14125164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricbird/pseuds/electricbird
Summary: Set sometime after the kiss outside the Woolpack.





	It's not so easy (loving me)

**Author's Note:**

> After last night we all know that it's Charity who panics when her calls go unanswered but I've had this open on my work computer for about 10 days now waiting to be posted. I've finally had a chance to read through it and edit a bit this morning so here you go...

Vanessa had never particularly cared for relationships. It’s not that she hadn’t tried to enjoy them or that she hadn’t wanted to be in one, but in the end they all just seemed to be more effort than they were worth. From her time at university onwards she’d floated from one man to another, never really seeking any commitment or deeper meaning. She either ended up with someone who wanted far more from her than she was willing to give or with someone who thought they were God’s gift to women and that she should be grateful they wanted to spend time with her. After watching many of her friends settle down and get married, some for a second time, she’d thought she might as well give up; maybe she wasn’t meant for love and that was fine. Until it wasn’t. Kirin had taken her completely by surprise. At first, she’d been reluctant. If all the other men she’d been with hadn’t understood her, how on earth could one who was so much younger? Looking back, she thinks she was probably right all along. He was too young, any sort of commitment to her wasn’t going to suit him for long. She doesn’t regret him though. After all, she wouldn’t have Johnny if she hadn’t opened her heart to Kirin and whilst she’d never wanted to be a mother, her son had brought an unexpected level of joy to her life. Kirin was a lesson that she had to learn to get to where she is now: she’s happy enough on her own and Johnny hasn’t really known anything else. So, why then, she thinks, has she ended up acting like all of those women who she’d always rolled her eyes at in the past? Sitting up until a stupid hour waiting for a text or a knock at the door. She’s mad at herself if she’s totally honest. She’s been losing argument after argument with her own brain and she’s at the point now where she’s thinking of giving up. But nothing good can come of letting her guard down, can it? Especially not when the person who’s pulling those walls down, apparently without much effort, is Charity bleeding Dingle. 

She throws herself down onto the sofa as soon as she’s put Johnny to bed and looks at her phone for what must be the one hundredth time today. Still nothing. After spending almost every night together for two weeks and a promise that she’d ‘rock her world’ Charity had all but disappeared. The flirty texts had stopped, the late-night calls to say she’d be over once she’d manged to kick the last punter out had too. Every time Vanessa set foot in the pub Charity was either on a break or nobody actually knew where she was. If she didn’t have the fading scratches on her back as proof of their last night together, she might have thought she was going mad. But she could still feel a light sting where the other woman had held on to her so tightly. She could still remember the words that were whispered in the dark.

After watching the TV for an hour or so, she realises that she hasn’t paid attention at all and she doesn’t even really know what she was watching. She turns the TV off and pushes herself up from the sofa, stifling a yawn that’s threatening to escape. Just as she turns to go and get herself a glass of water there’s a knock on the door. Her stomach flips a little bit and she wants to cringe at herself for the way she feels. Knowing her luck, it’ll probably be Paddy coming to tell her something about work anyway. But still, she runs her hands nervously through her hair before walking to the front door.

She turns the lock but doesn’t have time to open the door herself before Charity pushes into the house and past her. “Bloody hell, Ness. Could you go any slower? I was freezing my tits off out there,” she throws a suggestive wink over her shoulder before continuing, “not literally, obvs. Don’t worry.”

Vanessa watches the other woman carefully as she quickly shakes off her coat and throws it onto the nearby chair. Charity leans against the sofa and drops her head down to her shoulder. “Well, are you just gonna stand there gawping at me? I could do with some help warming up. You know, since you left me out in the cold so long.” 

Vanessa shakes her head and moves back into the living room, heading back towards the kitchen. She isn’t going to give in that easily, she thinks. Even if Charity is looking at her in that way that suggests she’s only here for one thing. She goes to the sink, pours herself the glass of water that she neglected a few moments ago, and steadies herself. She can almost feel Charity’s eyes burning into her and she doesn’t want to turn around. Vanessa had always prided herself on having self-control. Only whenever she’s around Charity all sense of reason seems to go flying out of the window along with her ability to think clearly. She takes a sip of water before placing the glass on the kitchen counter and turning around to face Charity.

“Did you want something?” she asks, trying to act as uninterested as she can, “I was just going up to bed.” She folds her arms and nods her head vaguely in the direction of upstairs. 

“Well, lead the way then,” Charity laughs, gesturing towards the stairs, “I didn’t come all this way for complete silence and a glass of water.”

“You live two minutes away, it’s hardly an effort.”

“Alright, cupcake. Chill out,” she throws her hands up in the air and widens her eyes, “I thought we were cool?”

Vanessa lets out a breathy, sarcastic laugh before dropping her head down to her chest and pressing a hand up to her temple. She wanted so desperately to act uninterested, but Charity’s nonchalance was making that impossible. If this indifference had been a couple of months earlier Vanessa wouldn’t have been surprised in the slightest. After all, this is who Charity is, she thinks, why would she be any different now? But there’s something about the look in Charity’s eyes when they’re together that had convinced Vanessa that she wasn’t just a play thing ready to be thrown away at her earliest convenience. There’s a dark sense of want that vibrated through Charity’s whole body when they kissed, and Vanessa can’t just ignore that. She knows it’s there whether Charity does or not, but she also knows all too well what happens when you pressure someone to admit feelings. That’s not something she ever wants to experience again. She tilts her head back up to face Charity who is staring at her like she’s the main attraction at the zoo: half amusement, half interest.

“We are cool. I’m just tired,” she offers, bluntly, “you could have text to say you were coming.”

“Is that what this is about? The fact that I didn’t reply to your text earlier? Come on, Babe! I’m a busy woman.”

Vanessa looks across at her incredulously. Charity is standing in her home for the first time in days, acting like she’s done nothing wrong, and it’s making her uncomfortable. She’s starting to doubt whether she even has any right to be angry; Charity had made it clear that she wasn’t capable of commitment. All she wanted was fun and that was the last thing Vanessa was being right now, but she can feel the anger in her stomach and there’s something about Charity that makes her unable to supress it.

“Are you for real?” Vanessa throws her arms up in the air. 

“I think you’ve got the bite marks to prove that, Buttercup,” Charity laughs and wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

“No, stop, you don’t get to do that now. I’m being serious here.”

Vanessa can hear her voice rising and she wishes she was able to stay calm but whenever she’s with Charity she feels her stability wavering. Whatever she’s feeling; anger, arousal, amusement, everything just seems to be so finely controlled by the other woman. She wouldn’t be surprised if this was a game to Charity, to see how far she can push her, but Vanessa’s tired and she doesn’t have the patience to act like she doesn’t care. Because she does care and maybe that’s what’s angering her more than anything. 

“We were cool. We were better than cool. We were great. Then you disappeared off the face off the earth. Me being the idiot that I am thought we were passed that, but obviously I was wrong.” 

She knows she sounds childish but at this point she really doesn’t care, so she quickly glances over at Charity and continues before she can be interrupted by the other woman’s sarcasm. “I know this is just casual, or whatever, but there’s no need to physically avoid me. I don’t have time to run around after you.”  
Charity moves from her place against the sofa for the first time since she entered the house and turns to face Vanessa. She moves a bit closer before sitting herself on the arm of the sofa. She leans forward and clasps her hands together. The look of amusement has completely gone from her face now, she looks serious for the first time that night and Vanessa suddenly feels suffocated. 

“Yeah, because you’re a grown-up, right?” Charity says, throwing her words from that night outside of the pub back at her, “only it seems to me that you’re throwing your toys out of the pram a bit here, V.” 

Vanessa glances across at Charity, who is being uncharacteristically patient and waiting for her to speak, and almost caves. She’s almost convinced that she’s in the wrong, that this whole thing is just a misunderstanding, that Charity breezing into her house like she belongs here is okay, when she drops her eyes to Charity’s right and focuses on a photo of Johnny. Then she knows she can’t be with someone who isn’t going make an effort. She doesn’t want the world; she knows Charity can’t give her that, but she does want someone who can be present in her life. She can’t risk getting attached when it isn’t just her life anymore. They come as a pair and he has to come first.

“Why do you do this?” she asks, not really knowing what she means by ‘this’. It could be several things, she thinks. “You blow so hot and cold I feel like I’m getting whiplash.”

“Listen, I told you I couldn’t commit to you. I told you I’ve got too much going on, it wouldn’t be fair on you-”

“No,” Vanessa interrupts, “what isn’t fair on me, is you spending pretty much every night here and then ignoring me. We’ve all got things going on in our lives, doesn’t make it impossible to make time for people though.” She reaches her hand out to play with one of Johnny’s toys that has been left on the counter and lets out a shaky breath. “For some unfathomable reason, I want you in my life, but if you’ve got bored, if that’s what this is, then-”

She lets the sentence hang in mid-air. If she doesn’t finish it then maybe it won’t be as final as it suggests. She can feel the tears stinging in the back of her eyes that are threatening to spill out, but there’s no way she’s going to cry over someone she’s not even in a relationship with. Certainly not someone as smugly irritating as Charity Dingle. 

“You think I’m bored of you?” Charity asks, breaking Vanessa out of her trance. She lifts herself up from the place she was sitting and walks over towards the smaller woman. “I am so not bored of you, which is actually really surprising…but that’s definitely not the point,” she quickly adds when she sees Vanessa’s face fall even further. “I panicked, okay?” She rolls her eyes as if this is the most ridiculous thing she’s ever said. “I woke up a few nights ago and I looked at you and it just sort of hit me.”

Vanessa looks up at her expectantly. Every conversation she’s had with Charity in the last few months has taken her by surprise, so she really doesn’t know where this is going. She can feel that pang of hope that she’s come to feel so frequently, but she pushes it down as best she can. She folds her arms across her body to create a barrier between them.

“I’ve never been with anyone like you before. You’re too good for me and you make me uncharacteristically nervous. I don’t know what to say to you sometimes.” Charity looks down at her feet and shrugs her shoulders. “I suppose I’ve ruined it now though, yeah? That’s a record even for me. Over before it’s started.” She laughs, but there’s no humour there.

“Do you want it to be over?” 

“Do you?” Charity throws back. 

Vanessa lets her arms drop down to her sides and pushes herself away from the kitchen counter, closing the space between them. “Of course I don’t,” she answers simply, “but we can’t go on like this.” She takes Charity’s hand in hers and squeezes gently. She waits for the other woman’s eyes to meet hers before continuing. “I’m not too good for you, okay? But if we’re going to keep doing this you need to talk to me.” The taller woman’s eyes break away from her gaze and she knows she’s close to losing her again. “I don’t mean you have to tell me your life story. I mean just stuff like telling me if you’re going to disappear for a week.” Vanessa nudges her hip against Charity’s and smirks slightly when their eyes meet again.

“Proper comedian you are,” Charity’s face softens as she feels herself getting back on familiar ground, “and it wasn’t a week.”

“It felt like it though,” Vanessa counteracts. They stand there for a while not saying anything before Vanessa continues, “I don’t want to be that person, you know? I’m not usually clingy. I actually really like my own space. I guess this just feels new to me. Different.”

“It’s new for both of us then,” Charity says, dropping her head down on to her shoulder, “it’ll just take some getting used to, yeah?”

Vanessa allows a small smile to take over her face despite the tears that are still threatening to fall. Charity opens her arms out towards Vanessa and nods her head backwards “Come here then.” The smaller woman steps into her embrace and holds on tighter than she’ll admit to herself when she thinks back on this tomorrow.

“I massively overreacted, didn’t I?” she mumbles into Charity’s neck. 

“You massively overreacted. I was a massive idiot,” she laughs into Vanessa’s hair, “so maybe we’re even.”

Vanessa laughs in response. She knows they’re not really any further forward, yet she feels like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. There’s a conversation that still needs to be had about what this is between them, but it isn’t for tonight. 

“You’re cold!” Vanessa whines when Charity trails her hand down her arm.

“I told you that ages ago, babe. Could have saved all of these feelings and emotions if we’d just gone upstairs when I came in.” 

Vanessa steps out of their embrace, smiles and walks over towards to the stairs. “Are you coming then?” She winks at Charity and holds out her hand, “we’ve got about a weeks’ worth of nights to make up for here.”

They can save the talking for another day.

**Author's Note:**

> Edited by me, so please forgive any mistakes. Comments/kudos appreciated as usual. 
> 
> Also, if you want to come and chat on tumblr you can find me [here](http://electric-bird.tumblr.com/).


End file.
